I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
my poor anus
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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