How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
