the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
