Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
