So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
