im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
