my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
