He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How does it feel to date your dad?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
