Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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