Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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