chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize