he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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