dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize