R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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