I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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