eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
