This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
