Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
