i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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