We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Randomize
