God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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