What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
