I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
