why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
