If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize