eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
