I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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