dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
