i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think a kid would responsible me up
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
