Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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