she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
