I feel great
I just peed on a car
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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