First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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