I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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