Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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