FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I will pee on everything he values.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
