1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize