So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
