i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
