I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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