Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
