This girl is more easily done than said...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
