Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
