dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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