Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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