I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
