i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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