apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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