I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
