i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
