i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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