I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I had to cum in my sink.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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