I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
