If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
