The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
