It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
